Opportunities always
look bigger going than coming.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything
else feels so good.
Junk is something you've kept for years and
throw away
three weeks before you need it.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't
it get us out?
Experience is a wonderful thing. It
enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me. You can't live
long enough to make them all yourself.
I know. I've tried.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll
get run over if you just
sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in
common. They should both
be changed regularly and for the same
reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best
possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however
death doesn't get worse
every year.
People will accept your ideas much more
readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles
than to live up to them.
I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's
an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be
yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but
I never got around to it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever
My inferiority complex is not as good as
yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Practice safe eating - always use
condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really
bad, I take something
for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws
would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were,
though.
Life is an endless struggle full of
frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same
sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound
box of candy can make you
gain five pounds.
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a
lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat
cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes
age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to
show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.
A cheerful heart is good medicine
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a
look back every now and then to make sure
its still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of
some influence, try orderin' somebody else's
dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it
up until a hunter came along and shot
him...The moral: When you're full of bull,
keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a
woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first
thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a
flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a
critter or a person, don't be surprised if
they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be
ready to have it thrown around by somebody
else.
The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men, the one that
learns by reading, the few who learn by
observation, and the rest who have to pee on
the electric fence to find out for
themselves.
By the time you can make ends meet, they
move the ends.
