Life Lessons

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle, but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Just going to a mosque doesn't make you a good Moslem any more than standing in a bakery makes you a baker.

Never be too open-minded.  Your brains might fall out.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of refund checks.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

A balanced diet is a chocolate chip cookie in each hand.

The 50-50-90 rule: You have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Remember once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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