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Fun Quotations ability Journalism is the ability to meet the challenge of filling space. — Rebecca West abstract Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. — Al Capp advertising Advertising is legalized lying. — H. G. Wells advertising Advertising is the rattling of stick inside a swill bucket. — George Orwell advice Advice to persons about to marry. Don't. — Punch advice I give advice. All you do is criticize. R.J. afraid It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen animal Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. — Albert Schweitzer aversion My only aversion to vice is the price. —Victor Buono badly If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly. — G. K. Chesterton bank A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. — Robert Frost Bible It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me; it's the parts that I do understand. — Mark Twain bore Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. — Ambrose Bierce brothers That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. — Charles Chincholles children I love children especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. — Nancy Mitford Christian Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than going to the garage makes you a car. — Laurence J. Peter conclusion If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. — George Bernard Shaw conscience Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. — H. L. Mencken country The country has charms only for those not obliged to stay there. — Edouard Manet country Diplomacy is the patriotic art of lying for one's country. — Ambrose Bierce courage Courage is the fear of being though a coward. — Horace Smith criminal It could probably by shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. — Mark Twain cynic A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. — H. L. Mencken cynic A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. — Oscar Wilde decide A jury is a set of twelve people chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. — Robert Frost. democracy Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. — H. L. Mencken difference There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist—the taxidermist leaves the hide. — Mortimer Caplin doctor God heals, and the doctor takes the fee. — Benjamin Franklin enemies Even paranoids have real enemies. — Delmore Schwartz enemies One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. — Heinrich Heine enemies Always forgive enemies—nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde Equality Equality may perhaps be a right, but no power on earth can ever turn it into a fact. — HonorĀ de Balzac equality The equality in law forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. — Anatole France Exercise Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it; if you are sick, you shouldn't take it. — Henry Ford experience We learn from experience that men never learn from experience. — George Bernard Shaw experience We all learn from experience but some of us have to go to summer school. — Peter De Vries fight The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. — John Barrymore freedom Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one. — A. J. Liebling government A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top. — James Reston government Every government is run by liars and nothing they say should be believed. — I. F. Stone habit Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. — Jules Renard. hanging Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted. — Fred Allen happiness Happiness is not something you experience; it's something you remember. µ Oscar Levant headache If the headache would only come before the drinking, drinking would be a virtue. Samuel Butler health Health food makes me sick. — Calvin Trillin history History is a set of lies agreed upon. — Napoleon Bonaparte history History repeats itself; that' one of the things wrong with history. — Clarence Darrow husband A husband is what's lef of the lover once the nerve has been extracted. — Helen Rowland idealist I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. — Carl Sandberg Impiety Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. µ Ambrose Bierce. insanity Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. — Same Levinson intelligence Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. — Groucho Marx justice In the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls. µ Lenny Bruce. lawyers Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished. — Jeremy Bentham marriage The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx married The only really happy folk are married women and single men. — H. L. Mencken matter It does not matter much what a man hates provided he hates something. — Samuel Butler mischievous God is Love, I dare say. But what a mischievous devil Love is. — Samuel Butler nature It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly. — Anatole France necessary It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich. — Alan Alda noise I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise. µW.C. Fields. obstacle The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race. — Don Marquis OK I'm not OK, you're not OK, and that's OK. — William Sloane Coffin optimist An optimist is a man who has never had much experience. — Don Marquis ounce An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. — Michael Korda peace I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. — Woody Allen people You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. — James Thurber people I envy people who drink—at least they know what to blame everything on. — Oscare Levant people I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. — Groucho Marx people I loath people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't the guts to bite people themselves. — August Strindberg plastic She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. — Groucho Marx policy It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. — Jerome K. Jerome politician A politician is a man who'll doublecross a bridge when he comes to it. — Oscar Levant politician You'll find an honest politician at about the same time that you will find an honest thief. — P. L. Dezirgia politician In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant. — Charles DeGaulle prejudice I am free of all prejudice. I hate everybody equally. — W. C. Fields sauce The best sauce in the world is being hungry. — Miguel de Cervantes secret Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. — Benjamin Franklin seriously Life to far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about. — Oscar Wilde someone If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. — Alice Longworth Roosevelt soul Brevity is the soul of lingerie. — Dorothy Parker spoiled Golf is a good walk spoiled. — Mark Twain stupid Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education. — Bertrand Russell Suburbia Suburbia is the place where the developer bulldoze out the trees and then names the streets after them. — Bill Vaughan teaching Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching. — Oscar Wilde television My father hated radioi and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too. — Peter De Vries television Television is for appearing on—not for looking at. — Noel Coward temptation Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself. — Rita Mae Brown there There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. — John Ciardi triumph Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. — H. L. Mencken trouble Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. — John Barrymore trouble The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. — Lily Tomlin truth The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. — Oscar Wilde usually When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance. — Victor Borge virtue Virtue is insufficient temptation. — George Bernard Shaw virtue Virtue has never been as respectable as money. — Mark Twain wife Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. — Oscar Wilde wife Wife: a former sweetheart. — H. L. Mencken wife Husband: The man whose intelligence a wife once respected. — Mrs. H. L. Mencken. world It's a man's world, and you men can take it. — Katherine Porter worse The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. — Oscar Wilde youth Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. — George Bernard Shaw |
