Using Humor to Teach Comprehension

(When a student doesn’t at least break out in a grin, chances are he doesn’t understand what he has just read. It can be the result of not knowing the meaning of a word or phrase or an allusion to a religious, literary, or historical happening.)  

Warning:  Do not try to read all of these at one time. 

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle, but
there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Just going to a mosque doesn't make you a good Moslem
any more than standing in a bakery makes you a baker.

Never be too open-minded.  Your brains might fall out.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of refund checks.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

A balanced diet is a chocolate chip cookie in each hand.

The 50-50-90 rule: You have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Remember once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.

Learn from the mistakes of others.  Trust me.  You can't live
long enough to make them all yourself.  I know.  I've tried.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse
every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something
for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you
gain five pounds.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.


A cheerful heart is good medicine


Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure its still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men, the one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Some of the best from Bob Hope, a truly great American.

May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003



ON TURNING 70  "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80  "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90  "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100  "I don't feel old.  In fact I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING  "I ruined my hands in  the ring - the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS  "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR  "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF  "Golf is my profession.  Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS  "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER  "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.  You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL  "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY  "Four of us slept in the one bed.  When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS  "That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES  "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN  "I've done benefits for ALL religions.  I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality." 

 

PUNS:  

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> >
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them  goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


 These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... what? (Oh, man, this is really bad) ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately ... no pun in ten did.
 

Questions That Have No Good Answers

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Oriental mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Signs



On a Plumbers truck : "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE
Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room : "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.  However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.

A " Simple" Quiz


The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you
are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for each answer. The
questions are not that difficult.


 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
 {Scroll down after you've answered}








 The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple  things in an overly complicated way.

 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?  Scroll down after you've answered.











 Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close  the refrigerator.

 Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?  Scroll down after you have answered.















 Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three  questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.  How do you manage it?  Scroll down after you have made your life or death decision.












 Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


 According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.

 But many preschoolers got several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

 Send this out to frustrate all your friends, you may not have any.

MORE BAD PUNS

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.  I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.  Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.  Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.  My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.  I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.  Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.  I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.  Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.  I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.  So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.  Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.  After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.  My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. 

Only in America...

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ~~~~

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:.You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

 On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

 
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what
do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play
at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather
be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or
experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was
combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who
ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not
computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which,of course,
isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay,
I end it.
 

FOR HUMOROUS READING ON THE WEB TRY

www.clarified.net might be funny/inspirational reading. It is a weekly humorous column by Claire Theriot Mestepey about a woman whose disability seems to be the least of her troubles. Her first book “My Walker and Other Glamorous Accessories” has sold over 4 and is sure to be on the way to being door stops all around the nation.